Everything looks and feels so real, so solid--the rock-solid buildings, the night sky, the sunset earlier, the trees and lamp-posts and what-not standing stoically, that have been standing there for years, decades, and if we didn't do anything to them, they'd probably go on standing for centuries. (We overengineer and things often last much longer than we need them to, which is inefficient, but that's a whole different issue.)

Yet, perhaps none of that is real; even if it were, how real is it, really, in the face of the limitless void of our ever-expanding universe that the most brilliant of minds on this planet predict would one day collapse unto itself? I mean, really, we are but a speck in the cosmic vastness of the universe.

And even if we didn't look so far afield, just look at Chile and Haiti, or closer to home, the massive 2004 Sumatran earthquake and ensuing tsunami, which wiped out so many things, so many buildings, so many lives.

Life, it's terribly fragile. Suddenly the world feels too big and I feel too small, I should really sleep earlier, before such crazy thoughts enter my mind. Another reason not to take afternoon naps that span the entire afternoon.

That's what you get for taking an afternoon nap right after lunch haha.

In any case, it was oddly reminiscent of past memories, from the tornado warnings in the summer of 2008, to the crazy high-wind warnings of the September 2008 post-Hurricane Ike storms which left us powerless (literally) for almost a week after sweeping through Oakland with 110-150km/h winds, not once, but twice.

The horrifying part of the dream was that I was right here in Singapore, at home, in my room, and thinking it was impossible that there would be a tornado here. And then, the sky started turning a dusty reddish-brown, with the heat beating down relentlessly, and before I knew it, a reddish storm of dust had kicked up, and there was an enormous red funnel rising high up into the sky, larger than an apartment block, and moving amazingly quickly. The last I remembered of the dream was running through the house, shutting windows, pulling curtains shut, trying to pile up boards and mattresses and what-not, while trying to get everyone out of the house, and shouting to someone (parents?) to grab important documents like passports, bank passbooks, credit cards, and what-not, and debating which were the most important to grab and run with. And I was grumbling that I didn't have as good a disaster plan as I had in Pittsburgh, when I actually started thinking in earnest about what to take and run with if we had to make a run for it, some time in my Sophomore year during our first tornado watch since moving off-campus.

It was a pretty crazy dream, and I actually jumped out of bed, awake, with a crazy splitting headache and my head spinning terribly. But my was I glad to see that the sky was a clear blue, albeit mildly hazy from the heat, and I could still hardly believe it was just a dream, still reeling from the shock of how real it all was. It was mildly traumatizing.

I've been having these insanely real dreams quite often of late, although I haven't been remembering much of them. Perhaps it's just the heat wave that's making me get all cracked up.

This is kind of an odd phase of life--with all of life ahead of me, too many crossroads up ahead, that it's filling me up with trepidation, at stepping down the "wrong" path and having to live with it the rest of my life, rather than with eager anticipation at the limitless possibilities of youth, yet with the power of being a fully contributing (paid? haha) member of society.

I should look at things through differently coloured lenses, and try to see the world for all of its goodness and possibilities, and focus on the happy things, and the good times, rather than keep looking back and cowering in fear at the possibilities.

After all, it's fear that brings us to life, isn't it?

It's just so hard to get away from it all, to stop doing what you've been doing over, and over, and over again.

Or maybe you should try again from where you'd tripped and fallen over.

Maybe this time, you can get it right--just by simply, not trying.

If only everything were simple enough, but the only simple thing, is that you can never, ever, ever know. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

Everything else has been stifling of late--spending too much time writing too much and not actually doing anything useful, trying too hard when I really shouldn't be; I've just been going around generally snuffing the life out of everything, the way a breath of frost does as it glides over the botanical pretties of the world.

And I exaggerate, as usual, under the guise of being lyrical.

The day, and the weekend, have come and gone, and I've done absolutely nothing (much as I plan to get something [useful] done every weekend), not since finishing up the last 5 episodes on the TVB soap haha.

It's always a bit of a stretch to try to get philosophical and/or intelligent quotes and the like from a soap, but what I really liked, was this phrase, about living in the present, and caring about nothing else, whether from the past, nor in the future.

We should all 珍惜当下，活好当下 (and of course you have to read that in Cantonese, it sounds weird translated to Mandarin haha).

So there, 2 months down, 10 to go in the year, time really flies.

This is just really getting out of hand. It's not even funny.

The four walls are still standing, the world hasn't come crumbling down, and there's still no messages, no missed calls, no blinking MSN messages, no new emails, no FB updates. It really wasn't anything at all.

But my ears are still ringing. I hope the neighbours liked September and Mayday. Too bad if they didn't.

It used to work--from Primary School to Secondary School and getting that little bit more of freedom from the boredom of English/Math/Science and getting to play around with computers a whole lot more; from Secondary School to Junior College and getting a little bit more breathing room in things outside of school; getting out of Life-In-Green and getting back the much-missed personal freedoms; and finally getting to college and all.

But, at every threshold that's crossed, a whole new can of worms that I never knew existed would be opened, and with everything escaping from the Pandora's Box, I would quickly get right back into that siege mentality, and I would always be looking forward into the distant future, and completely not living in the moment.

Yet, that is also not completely true, because I've definitely had many completely in-the-moment periods in my life, when it seemed everything was going right, when I could do no wrong, when every step seemed to be a right one, even if sometimes only when I connected the dots on hindsight, but that was still fine.

I really should learn to live in the moment, soak up everything in the present, not worry too much about things I do not have control over, and make the best and most of every waking moment. It's easier said than done, I've definitely said this before many a time, but I could always do with a little help in that respect, with a little reminding.

One step at a time.

It's been great, the first year I'm back for the Chinese New Year in a long time, and it's weird, because it feels as though I've never left, as if the four years had never happened, yet they most certainly have. It's really weird, but I'm just thankful I'm home, and thankful for the last four years and everything that's come out of it. I couldn't be any more thankful for everything.

Happy Chinese New Year, everyone, wherever you are.

It's bad enough with the publish-or-perish deadline-frenzy; that is still quite a perfectly understandable, even if barely acceptable, arrangement. It's understandable because that comes with being part of a bigger system, with having to participate in it and play by its rules. It's still within the limits of being acceptable as I've learned to let deadlines slide when necessary (crux being on being more liberal with deciding it's necessary to let the deadline slide, or alternatively, on being more selective and discerning in deciding it's necessary to actually submit haha).

But when other things start pick up deadlines of their own, especially when they're self-imposed, or pseudo-self-imposed ones, then that really is starting to become too much.

Oh well. Does nothing really get done without a deadline?

But I think I've always been the eager sort of evaluator, trying to do things the earliest I possibly can, often much to my detriment, especially with planning. Stepping back, hanging loose, and just letting things happen, is not something I have done very much of, and is not something I like to do, because I'd plan everything at the first instance, and then sit back and hope that nothing ever interrupts my plans.

But that eagerness is extremely dangerous, especially now, and I don't even know anymore if it's distorting everything that's in sight. It probably is, and although I could take some comfort in the fact that sometimes, or maybe even often times, it doesn't matter how it begins, or for what reasons it begins, as long as it goes, it's still not very much comfort.

There's just too many questions, too many variables, and ironically, too much eagerness to be lazy. It's all just messed up.

But in the end, the bottom-line is that it really doesn't matter where you've come from, nor the route you've taken. What matters is that you make the most of what you have, and that you're happy with wherever you are. There is neither right nor wrong, only whether you're happy with what you've done, with what you have, with where you've managed to get to. Nobody can take that kind of happiness away from you.

That said, a lot also depends on the people around you, nothing beats the power of peer pressure. But in the end, people do grow up, mature, and try to help one another, although there's also a limit to how much help you can give.

Oh well, life, ten gazillion ways to get to ten thousand different places. What matters is to be comfortable with what you're doing, be happy and be able to face up to your choices, and to go for it once you've decided. And of course it's nice to have someone along the way with you while you're at it, but it doesn't matter all that much if you don't, I guess.

I don't know. These things always get me thinking, somehow. Too much alcohol for one night, although it isn't all that much, after all, I'm still writing here now, aren't I? Haha.

Once again, it never drizzles, and it only pours. A whole lot of things happened at once again in the space of a very short time, of just one night. It was mostly good, I'm learning how to let go and be happy for others haha, really, I really mean it this time. I think that's a good thing.

Then again, some of the things aren't for sure yet, but it's very positive. The next 8 days are going to be jittery and full of eager, nervous trepidation. Or maybe, like the last time, the happy news will come early when I'm not expecting it at all, but that's wishful thinking haha, they could still postpone the decision announcement date ANYWAY ha.

In any case, I should really learn to just embrace everything, and dive headlong into the uncertainty, while doing my best, and leaving everything else to whoever and whatever is out there. Entropy. Haha.

Time for my morning jog, good morning Singapore.

But the thing that's really got me fired up was the afternoon of brainstorming, with young, impressionable minds who seemed to be terrified of us. But with great power comes great responsibility; I am glad I managed to overcome the initial jitters to get things moving, and I hope I did ok. There's definitely room for improvement, and we all live and learn I guess, but it was a generally positive experience.

After talking with three separate groups, ok well just two at work, and one over-aged student (ha), my mind is teeming with too many ideas, albeit, none mine to implement and make happen (fortunately).

It's time for bed, the first sub-6 hours night in a while.

"三岁定八十".. I remember how I hated losing at anything and everything when I was really young (hm that's a rather American expression, fashionable imprecise haha), from racing kids in my kindergarten class or playing catching/tag, to playing Monopoly ("No let me roll the dice again I accidentally dropped it!", until I'd managed to land on Boardwalk and Park Place hahaha).

"有feel唔亥大世"， but at the same time, 无feel就什么都无. Blah it's impossible to translate from Cantonese to Chinese haha.

But you know what would be cool? Having a brand new vulnerability discovered, and being able to say "Hey my tool found that CVE!".

Now, that, would be something.

CFA != Certified Financial Analyst, but Control-Freaks' Anonymous.

And AS != Autonomous System, but Acronym Soup.

Self-referencing ftw!

And I can go write a book called, "American Football Philosophy" soon. Although, as Mr. X pointed out, Madden is not real (American) Football, and Football is not real life. Right. Haha.