It's been coming for weeks. The number of tablets/pills I pop into my mouth at one go is insane, as I try to swallow it all with as little water as possible--because drinking too much leaves me with a distended and uncomfortable stomach. It's been becoming increasingly difficult to swallow the bitter traditional Chinese medicine, the tablets that start dissolving in my mouth as soon as I take a mouthful of water--it takes a lot of mental will to suppress the gut reactions to just expunge it all, and to just swallow it all.

My willpower finally gave in this morning, and it wasn't a pretty sight.

I'd been wanting to write about it--the mental goings-on behind swallowing pills, especially nasty tasting ones, about how tough it is trying to override reflexes in such forced swallowing, about how the will was waning--and this morning was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

It's just like how I've been choking up on so many other things lately--how I'm succumbing to excessive pragmatism, cynicism, about everything from working to people and friendships and relationships. The interest in so many things people has been waning as I began looking at things through eyes glossed with a thickening sheen of realism.

Is the process of creative destruction going all wrong? Is everything falling apart? Hardly anything excites nor interests me anymore--not work, not photography, not people, not anything at all--the energy has all fizzled away.

What is this, huh? Maybe I'm trying too hard--but when did I ever know how to really take a break?

I really do need to find myself--but where from?--perhaps I forgot to start the creating process before destroying everything in sight, whether deliberately or not--the proverbial burning of the bridge before you cross it.

Damn, should have used doubly-linked lists--but that'd have just resulted in dangling pointers and ugly memory leaks and core dumps. Haha--stupid programmer joke.

On a sidenote, the sun is starting to rise earlier and set later these days--the days are growing longer, and summer beckons, even without the four seasons here.