So I really should let things run their course, and not try too hard, but do whatever it is I feel (not think) I should, as and when the times comes, I guess.

Even the divine beings are telling me the same thing. So there. I almost LOLed as I read that pink slip hahaha.

It's been pretty quiet here, as far as writing goes. I have hardly been writing, but that's hardly a reflection of what's actually been going on. In fact, life has been a pretty chaotic roller-coaster ride in the last few weeks/months, no thanks to silly old impatience and ridiculous things that I've allowed myself to indulge in.

But hopefully we all wise up and wake up from the stupid, foolish things we're doing at some point or other. Hopefully. Or perhaps life is just a dream anyway. I digress.

In any case, it's just been the usual old classic case of trying too hard, and of it being better to not try at all, or at least appear to not try, because I already know that I usually try very hard anyway, so if even I feel like I'm trying, then that must already be trying too hard. And I often like to congratulate myself on that line of reasoning. Haha.

And then sometimes, suddenly the skies and the clouds clear up, the light shines through, and you figure it all out. Is it really all that easy? I hope so! Haha. I really don't know how to describe it, but I think life is just about making peace with yourself. Then, everything can happen; even if it doesn't, well, it's just a whole different paradigm you know, it's not about things happening, but it's about just making things out differently, and appreciating everything you have.

It's like that concept of eternity being not forever and ever, but about being right here, right now. Right here, right now, never ends, it's always with you. Except for paper deadlines hahaha.

So there. I hope everyone finds peace with themselves.

And, what if everything were to end tomorrow? Or even right now?

Everything looks and feels so real, so solid--the rock-solid buildings, the night sky, the sunset earlier, the trees and lamp-posts and what-not standing stoically, that have been standing there for years, decades, and if we didn't do anything to them, they'd probably go on standing for centuries. (We overengineer and things often last much longer than we need them to, which is inefficient, but that's a whole different issue.)

Yet, perhaps none of that is real; even if it were, how real is it, really, in the face of the limitless void of our ever-expanding universe that the most brilliant of minds on this planet predict would one day collapse unto itself? I mean, really, we are but a speck in the cosmic vastness of the universe.

And even if we didn't look so far afield, just look at Chile and Haiti, or closer to home, the massive 2004 Sumatran earthquake and ensuing tsunami, which wiped out so many things, so many buildings, so many lives.

Life, it's terribly fragile. Suddenly the world feels too big and I feel too small, I should really sleep earlier, before such crazy thoughts enter my mind. Another reason not to take afternoon naps that span the entire afternoon.

I had the weirdest dream ever--weird, because it was completely unreal, and I knew in the back of my mind that it was unreal, yet it was so shocking that I actually entertained the thought that it might be real, and physically jolted myself out of bed.

That's what you get for taking an afternoon nap right after lunch haha.

In any case, it was oddly reminiscent of past memories, from the tornado warnings in the summer of 2008, to the crazy high-wind warnings of the September 2008 post-Hurricane Ike storms which left us powerless (literally) for almost a week after sweeping through Oakland with 110-150km/h winds, not once, but twice.

The horrifying part of the dream was that I was right here in Singapore, at home, in my room, and thinking it was impossible that there would be a tornado here. And then, the sky started turning a dusty reddish-brown, with the heat beating down relentlessly, and before I knew it, a reddish storm of dust had kicked up, and there was an enormous red funnel rising high up into the sky, larger than an apartment block, and moving amazingly quickly. The last I remembered of the dream was running through the house, shutting windows, pulling curtains shut, trying to pile up boards and mattresses and what-not, while trying to get everyone out of the house, and shouting to someone (parents?) to grab important documents like passports, bank passbooks, credit cards, and what-not, and debating which were the most important to grab and run with. And I was grumbling that I didn't have as good a disaster plan as I had in Pittsburgh, when I actually started thinking in earnest about what to take and run with if we had to make a run for it, some time in my Sophomore year during our first tornado watch since moving off-campus.

It was a pretty crazy dream, and I actually jumped out of bed, awake, with a crazy splitting headache and my head spinning terribly. But my was I glad to see that the sky was a clear blue, albeit mildly hazy from the heat, and I could still hardly believe it was just a dream, still reeling from the shock of how real it all was. It was mildly traumatizing.

I've been having these insanely real dreams quite often of late, although I haven't been remembering much of them. Perhaps it's just the heat wave that's making me get all cracked up.

This is kind of an odd phase of life--with all of life ahead of me, too many crossroads up ahead, that it's filling me up with trepidation, at stepping down the "wrong" path and having to live with it the rest of my life, rather than with eager anticipation at the limitless possibilities of youth, yet with the power of being a fully contributing (paid? haha) member of society.

I should look at things through differently coloured lenses, and try to see the world for all of its goodness and possibilities, and focus on the happy things, and the good times, rather than keep looking back and cowering in fear at the possibilities.

After all, it's fear that brings us to life, isn't it?

And the cycle of self-deprecation and self-hate knows no end.

It's just so hard to get away from it all, to stop doing what you've been doing over, and over, and over again.

Or maybe you should try again from where you'd tripped and fallen over.

Maybe this time, you can get it right--just by simply, not trying.

If only everything were simple enough, but the only simple thing, is that you can never, ever, ever know. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.